These Are the Best Places to Work?

Fortune magazine has released a list of the “Best Companies to Work For.” Although I am quite skeptical of such lists, knowing most to be creatures of narcissistic CEOs and their toadying PR hacks,  let’s take a look at the top 10. I’ll try to be fair.

10. DPR Construction. What makes DPR such a great place to work? It includes “business cards with no title,” gushes Fortune. What, no “Chief Brick Washer” on my very own card? What a rip; I was going to flash it around while clubbing. In reality,  DPR could dress its CEO like a hobo, but when he rolls off the Gulfstream there is little doubt who is the man.

9. Robert W. Baird. Baird boasts of  a “capped 37 1/2-work week for hourly” workers. Since when did the elimination of overtime  get you on a “Best of” list?

8. Intuit. At this software firm, new hires are “encouraged to spend their first month getting acclimated, with no specific assignments.” OK, what company puts 21-year-olds fresh out of Shippensburg State in charge of anything? “Hey, Dad, I got to reprogram the nuclear launch codes today – cool!”Even at McDonald’s it takes a little time before they’ll let you run the fryer.

7. Salesforce.com. Top sellers are “rewarded with a two-week trip to Bhutan.” Bhutan? Two weeks? I’d hate to see what the bottom sellers get.

6. Genentech. Sorry, this sounds too much like some evil company run by villains  for me to buy it as a “Best Place to Work” (I’ve been to the multiplex, Fortune). I bet they have sharks with laser beams under the boss’ desk if you get in trouble.

5. Quicken Loans. The mortgage lender is based in downtown Detroit. Enough said.

4. Edward Jones. Fortune is impressed that the discount-rate brokerage firm rivals Starbucks in its number of locations and is chock full of 50+ hires. Sounds a lot like Wal-Mart to me.

3. Boston Consulting Group. Glad to see the Death Lizards of the Consultocracy represented here!  They are the ones who make sure Edward Jones has a plentiful supply of 50+ year-olds by pushing corporate clients to downsize.

2. SAS. Fortune lists “Cary, N.C.” as the headquarters of this software giant. So I guess your boss is a folksy guy named “Andy” and you’ll get invited over to dinner at Aunt Bee’s on Sunday if you work here. One big happy family.  Sorry, we aren’t that easily fooled, Fortune.

1. Google. Maybe it really is a great place to work, but how can you ever get hired there unless you invented a fusion collider app or something during your interview? Bet you have to be really good at math, too. Look, I saw “The Internship.” Google seems pretty dorky to me.

Do you work at any of these companies? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.

Now, time to send my resume over to Edward Jones.